Today in America: March 2nd

- Bradley Manning is a hero who put himself in the middle of boiling water to do what he has sworn to do by joining the US military - protect the country’s freedoms. Naturally, we’re going to send him to jail.

- The State Department has concluded that building a massive pipeline through the center of the US and depleting the entirety of one of the largest remaining natural oil supplies on earth will probably ‘not have that big of an effect’ on the environment. The report is founded on the idea that ‘someone else will probably use it anyway’. Additionally, it will only produce ‘five to nineteen percent more greenhouse gases’ than the crude oil that we’re already buying from South America. However, the project will only cost 7 billion dollarsand will certainly create a few hundred thousand temporary jobs that will disappear upon completion (except Haliburton who will probably get an extension of several years to fix the faulty cement they’ll provide for the construction). Which leads us into item three-

- Obama has been forced to sign a 85 billion dollar budget cut that he has referred to as both ‘dumb’ and ‘arbitrary’ due to the now-eternal filibustering of the Republicans in Congress. The budget cuts will have no effect on the salaries or benefits of our brave civil servants on the hill, but will affect most of the rest of the US economy, and consequentially the global one. Friendly reminder, the sequester was created in 2011 as a consequence ‘so bad that it would force the Senate to come to a decision’. Speaker of the House John Boehner is remaining as steadfast as ever in his conviction that no compromise should be discussed ever, nor could raising taxes possibly be a viable solution to help re-stabilize the US economy. 

- Who else wants a drink? I was gonna suggest a joint but the feds have recently decided to pursue the war on marijuana - the nonaddictive substance which has been proven medically beneficial for a motley of different health issues - harder than ever now that states have begun to legalize it for recreational use by popular vote. 

*ps, who the fuck is still trying to pretend ‘Boehner’ is pronounced with an a?